Oh Dear God.

What is wrong with me.....?

I want my Albey tonight. I miss him dearly & I'm worried about him. Albey is still my best friend even through the hell we have been through. I found out the other day from his brother that he got an eviction notice on his house & he is being investigated for stealing in the neighborhood & pawning the stuff...GOD! He has so many problems but I have known his good side and I loved him for it...Honestly, my problem is that I never truly got over him, I just shut him out as much as I could handle...but now it's getting hard because Axl knows who he is and he is asking for him...I have found myself crying every night now over him, over how he always let me have my side of the bed...how he would go anywhere any time of day for me for anything that would make me happy...I miss that dearly...that give anything do anything for you love.

I love Lucas, but our love is different. Our love is based on our thoughts & our minds more than on our hearts. Don't get me wrong, our hearts are definitely in it, but it isn't the without-a-second-to-think JUMP kind, it's a well-planned, well-thought out love. He wants me to marry him & well, honest to god, I'm scared. & on top of everything, I'm 11 days late...guys...I think I'm pregnant. I took a test on the 13Th & it was negative, but yet, still no period.

WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

I'm being stupid and not thinking things through for myself because I am afraid of the repercussions.

Where is my best friend when I need him?

What happens when a man spills his heart onto the page?

3 DOORS DOWN

"Pages"

What happens to a man when
He spills his heart on a page and
He watches words flow away then
His feelings lie on the page alone
There waiting
For someone who cares to read them
To open their eyes to see them
To see if they can make his thoughts their own
To find out that maybe your life's not perfect
Maybe it's not worth what he gives away

You can see that this broken soul is bleeding
So you can see your feelings inside yourself
And wander through my heart
Letting you see through me
Now only consumes me
Forget your pain, watch me fall apart

What happens to a soul when
It's trapped inside his emotions
And all of these words he's spoken
They bind him to the life he's left behind
And every new step he takes
He knows that he might not make it
To all of these dreams that he has yet to find

Maybe your life's not perfect
But maybe it's not worth what he gives away
You can see that this broken soul is bleeding
So you can see your feelings inside yourself
And wander through my heart
Letting you see through me
Now only consumes me
Forget your pain and watch me fall apart

You can see that this broken soul is bleeding
So you can see your feelings inside yourself
And wander through my heart
Letting you see through me
Now only consumes me
Forget your pain and watch me fall apart
As i fall apart

^^^Fricken Genius song^^^

Gotta go to work again tonight...woo. Hopefully not working too late. Business wasn't jack yesterday so maybe we wont have much today...ready to have tomorrow off. Hopefully I'll motivate myself to get out of bed & go see Jesse and then I get to go swimming with Lucas and Axl in the afternoon. Addicted to a couple of songs these days:

1. Pages by 3 Doors Down

2. Truth by Good Charlotte

3. Changes by 3 Doors Down

4. Without You by Hinder

& Always Open Arms by Journey

Just not feeling myself since graduation. I miss my friends and it's weird because they are all content in their lives, well, except Brandon, we still talk. Still stressing about getting Axl into daycare & still not ready to drive...the driving...well it's just scary for me. I'm the girl that has anxiety attacks from crossing busy streets...

ugh...idk. short random blog. getting distracted so i'm gonna stop writing now.

Weight On My Mind...

I'm moving more out of my life & more into Lucas' & the farther we get into it, the less it feels right.

I care about Lucas & I enjoy my time with him, but he is also killing my self-esteem & I don't need any help @ that. He likes to joke around & call me a slut & a whore and stuff & truthfully, I don't find it funny. Then, to make matters worse, we are having problems in the bedroom...It is really hard to keep healthy self-esteem when you can't even keep your boyfriend turned on DURING sex...& I can't figure out why, what it is that doesn't satisfy him...Am I too fat?

& On top of everything, we were supposed to be moving in together...well, moving out together, lol. & moving conversation between us has been horrible. Everything Lucas has to say is about "the kind of people in my neighborhood" & quite honestly it's making me sick. I AM ONE OF "those people." I have lived here my whole life & I will admit that there are some issues, but I love this place. People care about each other over here because they need each other. We rely on each other to survive, but he doesn't see that. He has never worked a shit job to support himself, a child and another person and had to live in a complete hole because his family was tearing him apart...he hasn't been in my shoes and had to ask his neighbors for food because he missed a day of work because he was too sick to get out of bed and the check wasn't big enough this week...I'm just over the way he is always talking about people. When he drives he is constantly bickering about EVERYONE else on the road...and even when he gets to his side of town & finally away from "the kind of people in my neighborhood" he is bickering about "those stupid burmese fuckers needing to learn how to drive." So on top of the way he talks about people, he wants me to move to Greenwood, where his life is, away from everything I know, and the support system I have developed for my son. In a way I am ready to do that, but he made me angry today...I still have to find childcare for my son out there, and I don't drive so I will have to come up with a whole new way of getting to work. Luke's solution is to get me a car, but truth is, I DON'T WANT TO DRIVE yet...not to mention the time it takes to learn, and he won't listen no matter how many times I tell him that. & I can't figure out childcare on our budget because we would be poor, not to mention I couldn't drop him off and our schedules clash so he would be @ work when I needed to go. Today I snapped on him...I haven't told him 90% of my thoughts in here, but when he told me that he was going to go ahead and move without me and then let me join him later when I had my life figured out, I just lost it. I was so angry it him, because it showed me that our moving wasn't about us, it was just about him getting out of his mom's house...it was about him. All I have to figure out is transportation and childcare for my son & all the sudden it's "I won't wait for you forever" again.

I just feel like I'm standing in front of a mirror screaming at myself...like no one hears any of it.

Oh, and on top of EVERYTHING, I took a pregnancy test on 13th, and it came back negative, but I'm still late...

UGH! my life is driving me crazy.